Aside

With Us

Dear Neala,

A few nights ago you and I were reading about creation in your storybook Bible. In the middle of the story you pointed to Adam and asked if he was God. After I told you no, you began pointing to other things on the page asking if they were God.
“No, sweetie, that’s not God either.”

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With frustration in your voice you asked, “Where is God in this picture?”

Your question instantly struck a chord in me.

How many times have I asked, “Where is God in this picture?”

I frequently look at the pictures of my life and wonder where He is.
When I’m overwhelmed at the responsibilities four children brings.
When I think of my mother, alone, wondering why death had to come so soon for Pawpaw.

As if my life’s pictures weren’t enough, the snapshots of others further begs the question.
When friends spend money, time, energy and emotions trying to conceive. Only to reach another month of disappointment.
When neighbors battle sickness and disease.
When people I love struggle through depression and anxiety because life has not been kind to them lately.

It is so tempting to scream up at the heavens and tell God a few things. Really give him a piece of my mind.

But there is no need to shout. You see, our God is not high up in the heavens looking down on us with pity.
He is Emmanuel. God with us.

He is the strength we need to wrestle through disappointment and hurt. He is the loving whisper we hear when we feel alone or misunderstood. He is the peace we feel when the words and prayers of others fall short.

As you grow up I am certain there will be times you will question God.
Like me, you may question his sovereignty, his timing, and even his goodness.
I will be the first to tell you this is acceptable and normal.

You might point to a circumstance or event in your life and ask, “Where is God in this picture?”

I will be the first to tell you, He is Emmanuel. He is God with us.

I just blinked

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ONE.
Such a tiny number. I never thought much of ONE. If I find one penny on the ground, I will often keep walking. Things purchased for one dollar are often cheap, fall apart easily and don’t hold much value. One ice cube in my water glass does not make that much of a difference.

But on 12-22-13, ONE tiny girl changed my life forever.
One little cry came out of her mouth and I was instantly smitten.
One look at her beautiful face and everything I’ve ever known or wanted or dreamed changed.
In one moment the love I felt for my husband deepened to a place I never knew existed.

One cuddly bundle makes the sleepless nights tolerable. One bright eyed face looking around makes me cry and laugh at the same time.

She doesn’t even weigh 7 pounds yet, but when I hold her I feel the enormous weight of responsibility. One little life, helpless and completely dependent on me, serves as a reminder that my one life is dependent on God for strength & wisdom.

One doesn’t seem so small to me anymore. In fact, one sweet girl has filled my heart to overflowing.

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I wrote this a few weeks after you were born.

And then I blinked.

They told me this would happen. They told me time would fly.

I didn’t believe them the first few months. Smacked in the face by motherhood, I couldn’t imagine you as a big girl. I only saw you as a feisty newborn who didn’t sleep very well. Sadly, some of the first few months of your life I spent wishing the days would go faster. Looking ahead to the days when you would be older, more independent.

Now here we are, your third birthday. You’re still feisty as ever. You are beyond independent, which makes me laugh and cry at the same time.

Neala, mommy is so proud of the little lady you are becoming. Helpful and caring, bossy and chatty, I see the beautiful mixture of your personality. You have your daddy’s energy and intelligence.
“Daddy, are you going to work to make money for my piggy bank?”
“I’m so appointed (disappointed), Linky won’t play with me.”
“I had fun at the Fall Festival, I’m going to post it on Facebook.”

You have my humor and sass which is both frustrating and entertaining.
“Mommy, why you ask Jesus to take the wheel?”
“I’m tired. It’s been a long day.”
“Lincoln poops, daddy and mommy poop, the twins poop. This house is just full of poop.”

A few days ago I put you down for a nap and watched you fall asleep. Snuggled up next to you, I held your tiny hand with chipped pink polish. I tried to memorize how the soft brown curls of your hair fell around your neck, your innocent face staring at me asking for “The Three Bears” one more time.  I watched as your curious blue eyes became heavy and you drifted to sleep.

You are no longer my only child. You are one of four kids now, which means sharing time and cuddles and attention.
But you were my first. You were the one who burst my heart wide open with love and joy and all the feels.

I love you sweet girl. Happy birthday.

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Our house used to be clean

Our house used to be clean.
I mean super-d-dupity tidy.

Counters were wiped down religiously. Everything had a place. I enjoyed organizing closets & drawers in my free time.  

Neala, when you were born your nursery was totally adorable. Your clothes were hung in the closet by size and type. We kept the majority of the toys in your bedroom. A small, cute tub held a few toys and books in the living room.  

Lincoln came along, we moved, and the amount of toys & clothes increased. Still, I was able to maintain tidiness and order. I steam mopped my floors often and the bathrooms were cleaned weekly. A jungle jumper and more toys invaded the living room, but they were still in cute little brown tubs, so I was ok with it. 

Then I got pregnant with the twins. And the house sorta kinda suffered.
By sorta kinda, I mean totally and completely. 

The floors were lucky to see the steam mop once a month. Dusting was optional depending on my mood. And the closets cluttered faster than you can say,”Oh my word, I can’t believe she’s pregnant again.”

The only reason the bathrooms stayed clean was because I vomited into them on a daily basis and refused to throw up in a dirty toilet. 

The twins were born, we moved AGAIN, and I’m pretty sure this house has never met my standards of cleanliness and order. 

Oh sure, I pick up and put away the necessary things. Knives, dirty dishes, bleach…
But the amount of stuff four small children accumulate in one day is at times overwhelming. As soon as I finish cleaning up one mess, I walk into the next room to find you have made another.

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Toys and books are no longer in tubs. We just put them directly on the shelves of the built-in. We found if we put them in tubs or baskets, you would just dump them all out and walk away. Clothes are no longer hung in closets by size and season. I usually just pile them on top of the dresser and use them the following week.

Emmy, you are so precious. I mean, seriously presh. But girlfriend, you spit up like it’s your job. We easily go through six bibs and three outfits in one day.  The past two weeks you’ve had a cold. Spit up mixed with snot is hands down the grossest thing ever. I nearly throw up in my mouth every time I have to change your bib. I love ya sissy, but I’m over it.

Linky, you have entered your curious and sneaky stage of toddlerhood. You want to grab all the things you’re not supposed to. Dirty dishes in the dishwasher, mechanical pencils, and the fish, just to name a few.
I taught you how to throw dirty diapers away ,which is awesome sauce. The problem is now you want to throw everything away. I’m convinced you’ve thrown away at least two sippy cups, a few socks and possibly an insurance refund check.
You’re big enough to make a mess, but not quite big enough to clean anything.

As I sit on the couch writing this I am looking around the room. Daddy and I helped the “big” kids clean up their toys, so it’s not messy.  But there’s still So. Much. Stuff that it feels messy to me. Two bouncy seats. Two Bumbos. Two Boppies.  Baby blankets, bibs and a teething toy.   And that’s just the living room.  Don’t get me started on the kitchen.

The nice thing is none of you seem to mind the constant mess, daddy included.

You don’t notice the pile of dishes in the sink waiting to be loaded in the dishwasher.
You don’t notice the laundry piled on the end of my bed that will probably never get put away.
You don’t notice the handprints and smears on the windows and front door.

I notice.
I definitely notice.
I definitely notice too much.

Neala and Linky, you play well together most of the time.  It’s so easy to leave you in the playroom while I clean the stove. I have to make a conscious decision to walk away from the housework and play with you instead.  

The other day, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the never ending clutter and the list of projects I hope to complete one day in our 1980’s house.  Neala, you walked over and out of the blue said, “I love our new house. It’s so fun!” Immediately my heart melted.
I decided right then to relax more when it comes to housework. To find the balance between keeping the house tidy and being in the moment with all you kiddos.

Admittedly, I’ve relapsed a time or two.  The smell of bleach and shiny floors still makes my heart smile.  But I’m loads better than I used to be.

So Lincoln, you still do this:

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And this:

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 But I remind myself you also do this:

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And this:

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Neala, you change clothes more than you eat.  I wonder if you are trying to set a record for most clothes/costumes pulled out of the closet in one day.

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But then I walk into the living room to see you “taking care” of the twins.

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Would I prefer a clean house? Uhhhh…yes.
But a 
joyful, messy home trumps a clean house any day. 

Our house used to be clean. Oh well.