I Thought You Left

The littles were taking their morning nap. The two big kids were in the playroom actually getting along. I decided to sneak upstairs and grab something quickly. Only the laundry basket on my bed caught my eye and I figured I could put some away before they even noticed I was gone.

Three minutes into folding I heard Neala start to cry. My well trained mama bear hearing started deciphering. “Is she fighting with her brother? Did he whop her with a light saber? Did she fall and get hurt?” She started crying louder and screaming, “Mommy!” “MAH-MEEEEEE! Where are you?” This cry sounded different. There was a shakiness in her voice and a hint of fear.

I hurried downstairs and found her in the living room, crocodile tears shooting out of her eyes.

“I called for you and you didn’t answer. I thought you left me mama.”

Instant mommy guilt. I mean, folded laundry makes a mama feel good. But is not worth scaring the breath out of your child. There was lots of hugs and cuddles and I explained I’d only been upstairs. I assured her I would never leave her alone.

My pastor says God uses the things we can see to help us understand the things we can’t see. I find this to be very true in my life, especially since I became a parent.

Sometimes I feel scared. I call out to God but don’t hear Him respond. Even though I have the promise He will never leave me, there are definitely times He feels far away. Like maybe He’s in the laundry room and can’t hear me.

My feelings are loud. They lie and tell me I am alone. Like my daughter, I get scared and give in to irrational thoughts. My emotions try to overpower what I know to be true. When this happens, I have to be intentional and put my feelings in check. I have to speak the truth to my fears. His silence does not mean He is absent.

When I take the time to be still and quiet my soul, I feel Him near again. His presence whispering to my heart, assuring me He didn’t leave.

Once she stopped crying and her breathing slowed down,  I squeezed her face in my hands and looked into her eyes.
“I love you so much. I will never leave you.”

I imagine God wants to squeeze some of our faces and say the same thing.

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2 thoughts on “I Thought You Left

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