Our Stanky Couch

If ever a couch stunk, it was ours.
Ten years worth of stank had infiltrated the very fibers of the poor thing.

Not to mention all the nastiness babies and toddlers produce. Even though we have a changing table in our living room, sometimes we are just too tired to walk the baby 14 steps to the changing table. So we change your diapers on the couch.

We thought the worst was when you were small and would projectile poop. But now you’re older and give us nuggets of poo which roll all over it because you turn into wiggle worms the moment we start changing you.

I refuse to buy another couch until all four of you are older and capable of going to the bathroom alone. This refusal saves us money. It does not, however, make for a pleasant smelling couch.

Today I was vacuuming the living room and, on a whim, decided to toss the cushion off the couch and clean what might lurk beneath. After  vacuuming up half a bowl of Cheerios, 128 raisins, three hair ties and a fake cookie, I saw something amazing. Something I’d never seen before. The cushions had zippers. I could wash the cushion covers!

I popped those jokers off, smiling as I threw them in the wash, hardly able to contain my excitement. (You know you’re a stay at home mom when you get excited about washing cushion covers.)

Lincoln, you thought my taking the cushions off the couch was pure fun and quickly started jumping. That’s when I saw the warning. You know, the bright white sticker sewn onto the bottom of the couch. The one that warns NOT to wash the cushion covers, even though they have zippers.

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I did not heed the warning.

You should have seen me trying to shove those cushions back into their covers. Like trying to push the toothpaste back in the tube. Like a mother of four trying to slide into skinny jeans. There was tugging, pulling and sweating. Jillian Michaels would have been proud.

Our pastor often says, “God uses things we can see, to help us understand the things we can’t see.”
Funny how God used a stanky couch to teach me something. As I was fighting those cushions, the life lesson light bulb went off in my head.

How many times have I done something I know I shouldn’t?

Criticize daddy when he does something differently than I would have.
Judge someone else’s actions without knowing the full story.
Lose patience with one of you when I’m tired.

When I finally got the covers back on, I collapsed on the couch and said a quick prayer. I asked God to help me remember this lesson. To help me use restraint when I feel impulsive.

“…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”
James 1:19

The good news is God hears us every time we pray. So I’m confident He will help me.
The bad news is the rest of the couch still stinks.

Aside

With Us

Dear Neala,

A few nights ago you and I were reading about creation in your storybook Bible. In the middle of the story you pointed to Adam and asked if he was God. After I told you no, you began pointing to other things on the page asking if they were God.
“No, sweetie, that’s not God either.”

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With frustration in your voice you asked, “Where is God in this picture?”

Your question instantly struck a chord in me.

How many times have I asked, “Where is God in this picture?”

I frequently look at the pictures of my life and wonder where He is.
When I’m overwhelmed at the responsibilities four children brings.
When I think of my mother, alone, wondering why death had to come so soon for Pawpaw.

As if my life’s pictures weren’t enough, the snapshots of others further begs the question.
When friends spend money, time, energy and emotions trying to conceive. Only to reach another month of disappointment.
When neighbors battle sickness and disease.
When people I love struggle through depression and anxiety because life has not been kind to them lately.

It is so tempting to scream up at the heavens and tell God a few things. Really give him a piece of my mind.

But there is no need to shout. You see, our God is not high up in the heavens looking down on us with pity.
He is Emmanuel. God with us.

He is the strength we need to wrestle through disappointment and hurt. He is the loving whisper we hear when we feel alone or misunderstood. He is the peace we feel when the words and prayers of others fall short.

As you grow up I am certain there will be times you will question God.
Like me, you may question his sovereignty, his timing, and even his goodness.
I will be the first to tell you this is acceptable and normal.

You might point to a circumstance or event in your life and ask, “Where is God in this picture?”

I will be the first to tell you, He is Emmanuel. He is God with us.

January 9

January 9 is not a day I look forward to.  January 9 is the day my daddy died.

Think about the way you anticipate Christmas, your birthday, or a special day in your life.
In the same way you look forward to those days, I feel the complete opposite about January 9 and the week preceding. I wouldn’t say dread, but pretty close.

I’m sad. Impatient. Grumpy and irritable. Then sad again.
I remember and recount all the days and memories leading up to his passing.
I cry at the drop of a hat and can’t decide if I want to be alone or talk about it.

We knew it was the end. The cancer had spread too many places. Daddy had stopped taking chemo because he hated how it made him feel. Surgeries and procedures were no longer an option, so he saw no point in taking a medicine that made him feel like crap just to prolong the inevitable. Daddy’s oncologist saw him Monday and told him to go home and be as comfortable as possible. But when a hospice nurse and morphine are ordered, how comfortable can you get?

On Thursday I went to see him after my ultrasound for Lincoln. We all knew he was getting weaker, but had no idea how close he was. Mom made a quick run to the store, so it was just daddy and I on the couch. I told him Amy and her family were driving down after school.  Lisa and her family would be here soon.

“Tonight we’ll all be here with you daddy. I think it’s ok to go.”
He closed his eyes and nodded.
“I just want to do it right”, he replied.

We exchanged a few more words, then sat on the couch holding each other and crying. It was the last time my father would hug me.

Shortly after Lisa and Amy arrived he said he was tired and went into the bedroom to lie down. We all took turns going in and talking to him.

Our last conversation was horribly beautiful, if that makes sense.
He was starting to fade in and out. Opening his eyes and talking seemed to require all the energy he could muster.

I wrapped my hands around his frail face and tried to memorize his features.
“I love you daddy. I’ll see you in the morning, or I’ll see you in Heaven.”

He became unresponsive later that night.

Friday morning a dear friend called and offered to take Neala for the day. When she came in, she asked to say goodbye to daddy.
Once in the room, she had an odd request. She told me to hold his hand so she could take a picture.
His liver, among other organs, was starting to shut down so his skin was extremely yellow.
I didn’t think it would be a very nice picture and not how I wanted to remember him.

But then she brought the picture to the funeral.

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This picture is displayed in our living room and I think it is horribly beautiful, if that makes sense.

My life immediately following daddy’s passing was challenging. Like the original picture, I wasn’t sure I would like my “new normal”.

Thankfully, God has helped me find beauty among grief’s rubble.
In the midst of my pain, I have found the sweet presence of the Lord to be nearer than I ever thought possible. I also find myself drawn towards others in pain.

At some point in your life you will experience loss.
While I cannot protect you from loss, grief or sadness, I can offer a bit of advice:
Find the beauty among grief’s rubble.
Turn your ear towards others in pain and offer to listen.
Draw near to God instead of turning away.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18